This article was written and submitted by Amber-Rose Aparicio.
I am a very spiritual person, and it has comforted me to think that his tiny force or the Universe elected him to be a sacrifice for me. I was in an incredibly abusive relationship with JonPaul’s father, and there is no telling what might have happened to myself or my Son had he survived and what kind of life we would've had if I was still with him. Especially since the day of my appointment, the day I found out my son had died, we argued about him drinking and driving the night prior and he ending up throwing me to the ground. I fell in a way to protect my JonPaul, but I didn’t know he was already gone.
A year later, I was able to orchestrate a way to remove the father from my life for good. That was three years ago, and I haven't looked back. My grief is a strange one--I cannot think about it without thinking of the situation with my son’s father. My son’s father stole my grief in the days to follow, telling me how glad he was that the baby was dead because I'd make a horrible mother and that “it” probably wasn't his anyway. I had to walk on eggshells every moment until he was forever removed from my life.
It is such a bittersweet predicament. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I obviously want my Son with me today, but at what cost would that come? I have faith that my son is safer where he is than ever spending one day with his father.
How different my life would be,
With a one year old in tow.
But now I fear that is a joy,
I never again will know.
They say things happen for a reason,
But did it have to be me?
The future looked so bright,
For this eager Mommy to be.
Now I have my very own Angel,
And you're always by my side.
When days I feel my most at worst,
Through the radio waves, you serve as my guide.
Songs of a brighter future,
Of dreams yet come true.
The past behind, so unkind,
Freshly laid roads anew.
As you lay within the star,
That hangs so near my heart.
Vibrations of your spirit sings,
"We shall never be apart."
I cherished the day you came to me,
I lament the day you departed.
A hole entirely too big,
Mocking the term "Broken Hearted".
I know it's not my fault you're gone,
Life just had your number.
In my dreams we dance and play,
All the while I slumber.
Yes indeed my life would be different,
I crave it like no other.
I am grateful for the time we had,
And lucky to still have your brother.
It will never be forgotten,
Your sacrafice for me.
I'm so proud to be your Mommy,
Forever my Angel you will be.
Don't you cry.
I hear you sigh.
Today is April 21st,
I was to be in your arms.
Today instead of a child's cry,
You wake up to alarms.
What was to be my day of birth,
Is now just another day.
What was to be a day of joy,
Is now clouded with dismay.
No party planning will there be,
No pictures of my icing face.
No sugar induced tantrums I'll throw,
Only a mundane work day in it's place.
All I can offer to you,
Is my guiding heart.
Think of all the new wondrous things,
Your new life you have to start.
Take this chance that you have,
Open your heart for it to sing.
The talent that lies within you,
Imagine the joy it will bring.
In your dreams, tonight we'll meet,
You'll bring the cake and candle.
But it will be my gift to you,
Shower you with all the love you can handle.
When morning comes Dear Mother,
Take a deep breath and you'll see,
That every one that you take,
Is a celebration of me.
Don't you cry.
Hold your head up high.
February 21, 2011